You may have seen the generous shoutout we got from our friends at Pretio in their post about lead-gen lessons learned from Game of Thrones. While we don’t normally write “10 thises or thats” kind of articles, Pretio’s piece got me thinking. So, for no discernible reason – other than fun, perhaps – here we go.
Update: This article was written in early 2016, before some of these characters met their untimely ends.
Gmail = Stannis Baratheon
Both Gmail and Stannis the Mannis have a clear desire to lead us into the future, but neither really seem to want the future to be seriously different from the present. Or the past for that matter. In either case, I don’t think Stannis would support media queries either. Just look what happened to Renly.
No, I’m not going to do these for all of them… probably
Inbox by Gmail = Daenerys Targaryan
It comes from a line with great name recognition, but mixed sentiment. Most notably, however, Inbox is a collection of things you think you would want in an email client, but when you put it all together, things get a bit incoherent and you end up with a lot of wasted time, space, and attention.
Ok, one more, but I’m not going to work very hard on it.
Apple Mail = Littlefinger
None of Petyr Baelish’s brothels have signs above the door that say, “Littlefinger’s House of Pleasure.” The same is true with Apple’s mail client, Mail. It’s just what you use for mail. Don’t worry about it. Suppress the thoughts about being caught up in a system that drives a tremendous amount of resources into the hands of an entity with mysterious and well-guarded motives.
Can’t stop, might stop
Outlook = Cersei
Cersei and Microsoft are both really great at getting what they want. The problem has always been that they tend to want really dumb things. They are either ego driven, short-sighted, or just all out baffling. Much like Cersei, Outlook has automatic buy-in from tons of huge companies and government agencies.
You guys, I’m so good at photoshop
Thunderbird = Mance Rayder
The Free Folk are under threat and they need to move away from their ancestral foundations, be they the Lands of Always Winter or The Mozilla Foundation. They’re fiercely independent but united by a leader that respects their freedom-loving ways.
Has science gone too far?!
Sparrow = Renly
Lovable and well-meaning with a modest but dedicated following is as fatal a description as you can imagine in a George R. R. Martin world. The same is pretty much true in tech. When you get… *ahem*… acquired, some of your followers will be assimilated, but most will abandon and spread to the winds.
Superhuman = Qyburn
Only a small group of people have the faintest idea of what’s going on in there, but we’re led to believe it’s some combination of Mad Science and sorcery. He says he wants to make you stronger, but there will be a cost. *ominous pause*
Missive = Jon Snow
The new hotness in a cold and stagnant world. Probably not the savior of all humanity, but easy on the eyes and a real go-getter.
Lotus Notes = Roose Bolton
Capable of absolutely reprehensible behavior, seemingly without concern or remorse. Cold. Empty. Bereft of pity and empathy. Singularly dedicated to keeping the house afloat through the next generation but spectacularly incapable of doing so without the extensive use of chains.
Yahoo Mail = Rickon
Who? Forgettable but ever-present – even if only briefly. Then gone before we quite figured out who he was.
